Ok, so it seems in my last post, I was channeling my inner adolescent with my "I hate my life syndrome" but if I just get it out I tend to feel better. I am on the verge of vomiting more bad writing....must...stifle...the desire to use big emotion filled phrases and wax on and on trying to come up with something that sounds creative... It's so phony.
Anyway, for a new update in my life. It's been over a year since I wrote here (not including today) so an update is in order.
Yes...I have quit graduate school. I just don't see myself doing research even 5 years from now. I was bored and just going through the motions. I don't want that to be my life...if I'm already bored and it's just a year in what's it going to be like for me in 20 years? So I just said Fuck it, and all of a sudden quit. I didn't have a backup plan in place (which wasn't the smartest thing in hindsight). I threw our life and finances into the precarious hands of fate (uh oh, more bad writing...beware guys, it seems to be breaking free) all because I couldn't spend one more minute doing what I was doing.
So what now?
I have joined the drones of workers in the Verizon Wireless Call Center (future referenced as The Hive). I know that sounds like a big change, a step backwards to some. But, as I keep telling myself as well as others, I feel like I'm at a transition point. The Hive allows me to get paid doing something that doesn't need my full brain capacity, and most importantly it allows me some time to step back and assess my life. What I want from life and ultimately what I want to do...
I want only what everyone wants...
Just to feel like I make a difference in the world. I'm not talking about curing cancer and clothing homeless orphans, I just want to feel like if I died tomorrow there would be something left to say I was here. I feel like I want to do something creative. I don't necessarily need or want to create something that is good in that lofty, artsy-fartsy way. Nor something that's critically acclaimed, or that somehow changes the world's outlook on anything. I just want to be proud of something that I have done. I want to be able to step back and look at my life and feel like I've accomplished something.
If I can integrate that into a career of some kind that would be totally awesome.
Maybe what I need to do is to find a job that "pays the bills" so I have enough time left-over to do something meaningful. Maybe what I want to "be" and what I "do for a living" aren't inextricably intertwined...
More later,
Monica
Sister, I love you. I have to agree, I don't think that what we want to be is what we will do for a living. I for one still want to do one of the following:
ReplyDeletea.)Be a Flight Attendant
b.)Sing on Broadway (you better believe I belt showtunes out daily, and I am half tempted to raise Easton thinking life is one big musical).
c.)Be one of Bob Barkers Beauties on the Price is Right (even though it is now Drew Carey).
d.) Be a seamstress
However, I will be a stay at home wife and probably a Librarian or a teacher somewhere or who knows. It's still all up in the air.