Just checking in...

I haven't written in a while and I have had some minor events in my life.

First off, I don't know how long The Hive is going to work out as a job for me.  I just feel like I need a little more flexibility in a job. Maybe I'm just spoiled. When I worked in restaurants, I just got someone else to cover my shift if I had somewhere else to be. I could go on vacation multiple times a year, the only limiting factor was if no one would cover my shift. Then I'd resort to paying people to work for me. I'm not proud of it but I feel it was worth it. I love camping and I could work enough shifts the week before to get me enough money to miss 3-4 days to camp at least once a month. I just don't think I'll have that kind of freedom now. I could take a week or two and go visit my sister in California then take another week and head to Vegas to watch my boyfriend play pool. One summer I took six weeks off and "lived" in Vegas with some friends of ours. Now, I only get a week of vacation and 7 personal days... I can't do a shift swap or use "flex-time" (where I could come in a few hours late or leave a few hours early, then make up the hours later in the week) until May 1st. I realize that this is part of having a "grown-up job" but I don't want to sacrifice what I like to do in my life because I'm chained to a desk.

I was seriously considering quitting and just going to work in a restaurant somewhere. Isn't that what I've been trying to figure out? Finding a job that will pay the bills while I find/do something to give my life meaning? How can I do that if I can't take time to try things out? If I allow myself to jump from job to job only settling for a job with freedom, is this going to keep me from being able to do grown-up things? Grown-up things like buying a house, raising a family, and things like that. Do I have to be a "slave to the man" to be responsible?

I used to look at the older ladies that were waitresses and pity them. I'd think to myself, "If this was my grown-up job, I'd kill myself." But now I look back and wonder if they are the only ones who got it right. They have a job that makes a decent living and freedom... Would it be so bad if I take my hard earned college education that I paid so much money for, and wind up being "just a waitress"? I wonder if I would look down on myself for making that choice. I don't know what kind of job Ambrose will wind up getting once he finishes his MS. Is this our last chance to be free together? To be able to go on vacation last minute. To be able to take a random day off and just lay in bed all day. This is what I love about my life... This is the thing that makes me second guess having children. Is this more important to me than having a family?

I don't even want to think about that question right now. Sometimes I wish I was one of those "Ladies who Lunch," but anyone who watches those "Housewives of Wherever" shows can see that they aren't happy. That's all I want, to be happy. But for now, I'd just settle for a job I don't hate.

We'll see, I don't want to do anything rash. That hasn't worked out for me in the past. If I decide to quit The Hive, I will definitely have a backup plan first. Maybe I can get through it, shorten our camping trips to be only on MY weekends, use my personal days strategically... After all, I do want to buy a house... That is a huge responsibility.

More later,
Enjoy the video...I love her performance, so self-loathing and bitter.

"Here's to the girls who stay smart...aren't they a gas..."

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Just looking for an outlet...

I'm searching for some sort of creative outlet for myself. I feel like once I decide which avenue to follow I can be relatively successful. Remember, this is just for my own personal enrichment/enjoyment. As of this morning, I was thinking I could go one of three ways...

Studio Art (drawing, painting, photography, etc)

This would seem the most likely path for me to take. I have had classes in drawing, painting, 2D design, and art history. Now for the breakdown.

Pros:

• I have some training in Studio Art and will most likely take to this path easily.
• I "doodle" quite a lot when I'm bored.
• I have some of the materials left from my old classes.
• My mother-in-law is a gifted artist and she could give me critiques and pointers on my work.

Cons:

• Most times I feel like I'm not creative enough to come up with original ideas.
• I criticize my work so much that I often don't finish, I just give up.

There's the breakdown, but a lot of the Cons were from when I was in classes and I feel I may be able to overcome some of my personal setbacks.

Writing:

I feel like I have some pretty decent ideas for stories. Not a novel or anything major, but maybe start out with some short stories.

Pros:

• I can do this from my house for the most part.
• I can hopefully get some pointers online.
• I have read a lot of short stories and pretty much know the general set up.
• I could have my sisters read my stuff for pointers/editing. 

Cons:

• I have never in my life written an entire story. Outside of writing assignments for school.
• I don't have any previous training in creative writing.
• What about when I run out of ideas?

Acting/Drama:

Everyone who knows me knows that I'm in love with musical theater. I feel that if I were to get some real training that I could do something worthwhile in acting. I feel I could really do well in theater, I would love to be a completely different person even if just for a little while.

Pros:

• It would give me more incentive to work on my physical appearance.
• I think it could be fun.

Cons:

• I REALLY have no experience or training in acting.
• I occasionally suffer from stage fright, I can usually push through, but again, I don't know how it would work out.
• I don't even know how I would begin to do this. I'm not in school anymore, I don't have access to drama classes etc. It would take some research to find out what my options are.

I don't know exactly which path I'm going to take. Maybe I'll start with one and see if I like it enough to make a go at it. If I don't like one I'll just switch it up.