Just a rather morbid, self-loathing, teen-angsty negative rant

I sit here and wonder, “What has become of my life? Who am I? REALLY”

It seems I won’t ever be truly happy…

I thought going to graduate school would make me happy…no
I thought quitting would make me happy…no

I thought pills would make me happy…no
I thought quitting pills would make me happy...no

           

Will I ever be sated?

I would love to settle for happiness.

But of course it still eludes me.

Not even happiness, I don’t have to be a blathering idiot so in love with my life that everyone hates me

I just want a break from the hatred and emptiness.

Find something that gives me a little bit of purpose.

I just can’t take it anymore

I’m tired of faking

I feel bad for those around me exposed to my fraudulence

Wondering why I’m so dissatisfied when I seemed to be happy, to them

But with every lie uttered from my being, I wished it was the truth.

Hoping that maybe if I said it aloud, to someone else,

It would magically come into existence

They believed it, why shouldn’t I?

I’ve always been a good liar

Just not to myself...

It seems I’ve been working all my life

Working toward some intangible, unknown goal

Will I ever get there?

Where is there, will I know it when I get there?

Or, in my inevitable same style, will I keep looking ahead?

Unsatisfied with where I am?
Never living in the present, too concerned with the future...or the past

I have let go of my life and livelihood

Now, I am just flailing,

Looking just to find a foothold

Something to grab on to

To save me from this numb stasis

Before it’s too late
And the downward descent begins