Just an update on life

Ok, so it seems in my last post, I was channeling my inner adolescent with my "I hate my life syndrome" but if I just get it out I tend to feel better. I am on the verge of vomiting more bad writing....must...stifle...the desire to use big emotion filled phrases and wax on and on trying to come up with something that sounds creative... It's so phony.

Anyway, for a new update in my life. It's been over a year since I wrote here (not including today) so an update is in order.

Yes...I have quit graduate school. I just don't see myself doing research even 5 years from now. I was bored and just going through the motions. I don't want that to be my life...if I'm already bored and it's just a year in what's it going to be like for me in 20 years? So I just said Fuck it, and all of a sudden quit. I didn't have a backup plan in place (which wasn't the smartest thing in hindsight). I threw our life and finances into the precarious hands of fate (uh oh, more bad writing...beware guys, it seems to be breaking free) all because I couldn't spend one more minute doing what I was doing.

So what now?

I have joined the drones of workers in the Verizon Wireless Call Center (future referenced as The Hive). I know that sounds like a big change, a step backwards to some. But, as I keep telling myself as well as others, I feel like I'm at a transition point. The Hive allows me to get paid doing something that doesn't need my full brain capacity, and most importantly it allows me some time to step back and assess my life. What I want from life and ultimately what I want to do...

I want only what everyone wants...

Just to feel like I make a difference in the world. I'm not talking about curing cancer and clothing homeless orphans, I just want to feel like if I died tomorrow there would be something left to say I was here. I feel like I want to do something creative. I don't necessarily need or want to create something that is good in that lofty, artsy-fartsy way. Nor something that's critically acclaimed, or that somehow changes the world's outlook on anything. I just want to be proud of something that I have done. I want to be able to step back and look at my life and feel like I've accomplished something.

If I can integrate that into a career of some kind that would be totally awesome.

Maybe what I need to do is to find a job that "pays the bills" so I have enough time left-over to do something meaningful. Maybe what I want to "be" and what I "do for a living" aren't inextricably intertwined...

More later,
Monica

Just a rather morbid, self-loathing, teen-angsty negative rant

I sit here and wonder, “What has become of my life? Who am I? REALLY”

It seems I won’t ever be truly happy…

I thought going to graduate school would make me happy…no
I thought quitting would make me happy…no

I thought pills would make me happy…no
I thought quitting pills would make me happy...no

           

Will I ever be sated?

I would love to settle for happiness.

But of course it still eludes me.

Not even happiness, I don’t have to be a blathering idiot so in love with my life that everyone hates me

I just want a break from the hatred and emptiness.

Find something that gives me a little bit of purpose.

I just can’t take it anymore

I’m tired of faking

I feel bad for those around me exposed to my fraudulence

Wondering why I’m so dissatisfied when I seemed to be happy, to them

But with every lie uttered from my being, I wished it was the truth.

Hoping that maybe if I said it aloud, to someone else,

It would magically come into existence

They believed it, why shouldn’t I?

I’ve always been a good liar

Just not to myself...

It seems I’ve been working all my life

Working toward some intangible, unknown goal

Will I ever get there?

Where is there, will I know it when I get there?

Or, in my inevitable same style, will I keep looking ahead?

Unsatisfied with where I am?
Never living in the present, too concerned with the future...or the past

I have let go of my life and livelihood

Now, I am just flailing,

Looking just to find a foothold

Something to grab on to

To save me from this numb stasis

Before it’s too late
And the downward descent begins