Just checking in...

I haven't written in a while and I have had some minor events in my life.

First off, I don't know how long The Hive is going to work out as a job for me.  I just feel like I need a little more flexibility in a job. Maybe I'm just spoiled. When I worked in restaurants, I just got someone else to cover my shift if I had somewhere else to be. I could go on vacation multiple times a year, the only limiting factor was if no one would cover my shift. Then I'd resort to paying people to work for me. I'm not proud of it but I feel it was worth it. I love camping and I could work enough shifts the week before to get me enough money to miss 3-4 days to camp at least once a month. I just don't think I'll have that kind of freedom now. I could take a week or two and go visit my sister in California then take another week and head to Vegas to watch my boyfriend play pool. One summer I took six weeks off and "lived" in Vegas with some friends of ours. Now, I only get a week of vacation and 7 personal days... I can't do a shift swap or use "flex-time" (where I could come in a few hours late or leave a few hours early, then make up the hours later in the week) until May 1st. I realize that this is part of having a "grown-up job" but I don't want to sacrifice what I like to do in my life because I'm chained to a desk.

I was seriously considering quitting and just going to work in a restaurant somewhere. Isn't that what I've been trying to figure out? Finding a job that will pay the bills while I find/do something to give my life meaning? How can I do that if I can't take time to try things out? If I allow myself to jump from job to job only settling for a job with freedom, is this going to keep me from being able to do grown-up things? Grown-up things like buying a house, raising a family, and things like that. Do I have to be a "slave to the man" to be responsible?

I used to look at the older ladies that were waitresses and pity them. I'd think to myself, "If this was my grown-up job, I'd kill myself." But now I look back and wonder if they are the only ones who got it right. They have a job that makes a decent living and freedom... Would it be so bad if I take my hard earned college education that I paid so much money for, and wind up being "just a waitress"? I wonder if I would look down on myself for making that choice. I don't know what kind of job Ambrose will wind up getting once he finishes his MS. Is this our last chance to be free together? To be able to go on vacation last minute. To be able to take a random day off and just lay in bed all day. This is what I love about my life... This is the thing that makes me second guess having children. Is this more important to me than having a family?

I don't even want to think about that question right now. Sometimes I wish I was one of those "Ladies who Lunch," but anyone who watches those "Housewives of Wherever" shows can see that they aren't happy. That's all I want, to be happy. But for now, I'd just settle for a job I don't hate.

We'll see, I don't want to do anything rash. That hasn't worked out for me in the past. If I decide to quit The Hive, I will definitely have a backup plan first. Maybe I can get through it, shorten our camping trips to be only on MY weekends, use my personal days strategically... After all, I do want to buy a house... That is a huge responsibility.

More later,
Enjoy the video...I love her performance, so self-loathing and bitter.

"Here's to the girls who stay smart...aren't they a gas..."

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